Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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