Sry I called you an 8
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
