My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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