yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
