thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
