You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
