Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
They took my balls.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
