You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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