I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
