how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
