I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
