I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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