i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
