If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
