Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
