Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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