its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
