Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
