if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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