I CAN MOONWALK!
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
