I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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