Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
