Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
