one might say we're banned from that church
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
