I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
