I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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