So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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