ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
