just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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