I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I need to calm my uterus...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize