are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
