I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize