i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
