The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
