I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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