I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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