Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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