if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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