Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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