Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
