I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
