Pants 0. Shit 1.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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