Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
