Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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