is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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