I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize