i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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