last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
