you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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