apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
