We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
