The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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