I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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