It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
