he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Everclear isn't food dammit
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