Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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