I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
