Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
