there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
