peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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