I cannot find my penis.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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