i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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