Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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