the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize