He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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