I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
